(Stillness in the Storm Editor) Whether we feel comfortable with it or not, we’re sexual creatures. Studies in the mainstream and alternative sector both agree that healthy sexual expression is essential to a fulfilling life. But understanding what the objective differences are between sexual styles and modes of expression is rather difficult to pin down, partially because sex is one of many secret activities that we rarely talk about. The following discusses some interesting research regarding why some couples have more and better sex.
It should be noted that the following are data points supplied by mainstream academia, which is extremely biased at the moment due to several influences—radical third-wave feminism being one of the biggest.
Additionally, sex is a deep mystery. Even with all our modern-day technology, we barely understand this innate urge, instinct, even spiritual value.
One point to consider about sexual expression or pleasure, in general, is that it has to contend with diminishing returns or what’s called normalization. The more you do the same thing in a relatively short period of time, the less pleasure you receive from that thing. Adding distance between events helps, called fractionation. But the diminishing returns effect persists.
For sexual expression, there are two general ways we feel stimulated: physically and non-physically or intangibly. That is, you feel attraction for someone because they meet your physical qualifications as well as other qualities, such as, mental, emotional, and spiritual.
Here’s a little secret that the Tantra practitioners figured out a very long time ago.
If you focus on the intangible attractors as the primary sexual excitor, with the physical as the secondary, the novelty quotient for your partner stays rather high, provided you have a dynamic and active spiritual and philosophic practice. What this means in more simple terms is that if you learn how to love your partner for who they are in consciousness vs their physical body alone, your sexual attraction for them will increase over time, instead of diminishing.
This requires a dynamic and living capacity to appreciate as much about your partner as humanly possible, employing a dynamic living meaning-generating and -seeking mechanism and an active philosophy.
There’s quite a bit to unpack with this method, but the gist is that you want to consciously think about everything you love about your partner, bringing that into the sexual experience with you increases the sexual charged associated. Because your partner is growing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually all the time, if you develop a sensitivity to these intangible qualities it makes things seem fresh and new. Conversely, the physical appearance of your partner doesn’t change all that much and even get’s “worse” with age—but it’s not really worse, just different. Socio-culturally, we’re told that age is ugly but this is an arbirary assessesment. We don’t have to consider age ugly if we don’t want to, and many people don’t.
The following describes some of these intangible qualties as well, providing food for thought.
– Justin
(Madeleine A. Fugère, Ph.D.) Many couples want to increase the frequency of their sexual activity as well as the satisfaction they derive from their sexual encounters. Researchers have investigated several factors associated with increased sexual frequency and more satisfying sexual experiences.
Related An Ayurvedic Medicine Is Proven to Elevate Sperm Count and Help with Male Sexual Dysfunction
by Madeleine A. Fugère, Ph.D., January 14th, 2019
Before we discuss this research, we should define what researchers typically measure when they attempt to assess “more sex” or “better sex.” In the research discussed below, more sex can refer to increased sexual frequency or having more sex partners (Allen and Walter, 2018). Better sex usually means experiencing more sexual satisfaction (Meltzer and McNulty, 2016; Schick et al., 2008). It may surprise you to learn that “more sex” and “better sex” do not always go hand-in-hand.
Buy Book Tantra Illuminated: The Philosophy, History, and Practice of a Timeless Tradition
Attachment Styles
Although individuals with a secure attachment style describe their relationships as happy and supportive, individuals with an avoidant attachment style tend to be uncomfortable with close relationships. Individuals with an anxious attachment style worry that their partners may not love them (Hazan and Shaver, 1987). It is not surprising then that a more secure attachment style is associated with the likelihood of having more satisfying sex. Individuals with anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to experience less sexual satisfaction in their encounters (Brassard et al., 2012; Butzer and Campbell, 2008). Your partner’s attachment style can also influence your own sexual satisfaction. People whose partners have avoidant attachment styles also report less satisfaction with their own sex lives (Butzer and Campbell, 2008).
Expressing Affection
Consistent with our expectations, couples who express more physical affection in their relationships also report greater sexual satisfaction. Heiman et al. (2011) found that both men and women who engaged in more kissing and cuddling with their partners also reported increased sexual satisfaction. Fisher et al. (2015) also found that kissing and cuddling were associated with greater sexual satisfaction. But physical affection is not the only type of affection which can lead to better sex. Men who are more concerned about their partner’s sexual experience also feel more sexually satisfied themselves (Heiman et al., 2011), and positive behaviors performed by men (saying I love you or giving compliments to partners) are associated with both more frequent sex and more sexual satisfaction (Schoenfeld et al., 2016).
Number of Sexual Partners
Although having a higher number of sex partners is sometimes considered having “more sex,” in somewhat surprising results, researchers have found that men and women with more lifetime sexual partners are actually less sexually satisfied (Fisher et al., 2015; Heiman et al., 2011). Researchers suggest that individuals who continually pursue new partners may be seeking not more sex, but more satisfying sex (Heiman et al., 2011). Unfortunately these results suggest that having more sex partners does not necessarily equate to having a better sex life. In fact, some research shows that married individuals not only have more frequent sex than their single counterparts, but also that people with only one sexual partner are the happiest (Blanchflower and Oswald, 2004).
Buy Book The Sex Issue: Everything You’ve Always Wanted to Know about Sexuality, Seduction, and Desire
Personality Traits
Individuals with some personality traits tend to have more sex. Extraverted individuals, those who are “more sociable, talkative . . . and active,” experience stronger sexual desire, engage in more frequent sexual activity, and have more sex partners (Allen and Walter, 2018). Keep in mind that although extraverted people may have more sex partners, that does not necessarily mean that they are having better sex. Some personality traits are also associated with having less satisfying sexual experiences. Neurotic individuals, those who are “more anxious, angry, and insecure” (as opposed to less neurotic individuals, those who are “calm, poised, and emotionally stable,” Allen and Walter, 2018) also feel less sexually satisfied with their encounters (Allen and Walter, 2018; Meltzer and McNulty, 2016).
Your Partner’s Characteristics
As mentioned above, your partner’s characteristics can also impact your sexual activity and satisfaction. For example, women who have more attractive and masculine partners are more likely to experience orgasms (Puts et al., 2012), and men who are more concerned with their partner’s orgasm also experience more sexual satisfaction themselves (Heiman et al., 2011). Furthermore, people with happy partners experience more sexual satisfaction than those with unhappy partners (Fisher et al., 2015). Having a partner who is a feminist is also related to related to healthier and more sexually satisfying relationships (Rudman and Phelan, 2007; Schick and Zucker, 2008). Women who hold more feminist attitudes tend to be more satisfied with their own sexual encounters (Schick and Zucker, 2008), and men with feminist partners also experience more sexual satisfaction.
Buy Book Compersion: Polyamory Beyond Jealousy
About the Author
is a professor of Social Psychology at Eastern Connecticut State University, where she teaches courses in Social Psychology, Statistics, Research Methods, and Attraction and Romantic Relationships. She is the author of The Social Psychology of Attraction and Romantic Relationships (Palgrave Macmillan) as well as numerous journal articles related to attraction and romantic relationships.
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
The preceding article discusses some of the factors that go into sexual attraction. With this knowledge in hand, one can consciously take the reins with their sexual interests, which undermines the existing paradigm that suggests sexual attraction is completely outside of personal control.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
Stillness in the Storm Editor’s note: Did you find a spelling error or grammar mistake? Send an email to [email protected], with the error and suggested correction, along with the headline and url. Do you think this article needs an update? Or do you just have some feedback? Send us an email at [email protected]. Thank you for reading.
Source:
Leave a Reply