(Stillness in the Storm Editor) Can conflict be a good thing? Yes, it can. But in order to understand that, let’s break down what a conflict is in the realms of consciousness.
Philosophically, a conflict arises anytime two sets of ideas don’t match up. When there’s disagreement in some area, whether between people or in your own mind, a conflict arises.
Psychologically, the mind is designed to seek out conflict and resolve it. When you’re comfortable, when everything is harmonious and in agreement, you barely notice.
For example, when you’re sitting contently on a grassy field meditating in the warmth of the sun’s light, you’re not focusing all that intensely on the feeling of your skin as it’s deliciously warmed by the light around you. You don’t notice these good sensations as prominently because what you expect and what you’re experiencing match up. This is called satisfaction. You feel these sensations but you’re not as focused as if something discomforting happened.
But if a wasp stings you as it lands on your leg, it will cause you to take notice with much greater strength. You’ll be ripped out of a relaxed state and you’ll be thrown into a hyper-focused state of conflict, a flight or flight response. You weren’t expecting that to happen—you were expecting to feel nothing. But when the wasp stung you it caused a discontinuity between what you held in your mind as an expectation and what was actually happening in reality.
The jarring feeling of conflict or surprise is what makes us alert so that we can focus our attention that new information source, drawing elements into the mind that result in enhanced knowledge.
Anytime the internal map of meaning we use to navigate the world doesn’t match reality itself, we experience conflict. Specifically, a conceptual conflict, wherein the representations of mind fail to match up with reality.
Whether you like conflict or not, you’ll likely agree that reality owes us nothing. By that I mean, the whole of reality never bends to our will, we have to bend to it. We have to change ourselves, we have to expand our thinking and correct our ideas, so what we expect and envision actually matches up with reality.
I’m sure most of you agree that this is obvious. It’s so simple and commonplace, we accept it as a given. At least those who do live better lives.
To be sure, people act as if reality can be fought. But it can’t. Reality does not conform to our whims, will, needs, desires, or dreams. We have to conform to reality.
We can work with reality, we can take actions that alter reality to suit our needs, but not in a way that goes against the general rules of reality itself, what is called law.
The bottom line is, whether we’re dealing with you and your expectations about reality or another person, the same rules apply.
You’re always, without fail, required to accept the truth and change yourself in doing so. The truth never changes for you. That’s not how things work. The character trait we’re talking about here is humility. And it’s an essential life skill that the smartest and most successful people in history learned to embrace. Those who don’t, suffer greatly, having their dreams dashed, hopes destroyed, and desires never realized.
Given how important humility is, maybe we should embrace it fully?
In social arenas, we can forget about humility. In dealing with other people, we can actually justify close-mindedness, contemptuousness rejection, and lawless conduct.
There are understandable reasons why this happens. It’s a lot easier to determine when you’re wrong when it’s simple to recognize, like when you thought the light in traffic was green when it was in fact red. You notice because cars around you honk, or you actually see the light in the traffic stop, noticing it wasn’t what you thought.
But within intangible realities that are more abstract and subtle, we can deceive ourselves.
When you tell your friend you’ll be at the restaurant at 6:00 pm and you’re late by 20 minutes, your friend might get a bit upset with you. In your effort to retain good social standing with your friend, you might blame your lateness on traffic, the fact your boss made you stay late at work, or some other excuse. And these factors certainly contributed to your lateness, but at the end of the day, this is an opportunity to learn and grow. You can plan better in the future to account for unforeseen factors so that you can keep your word with your friend. Or you can call them as you discover you’ll likely be late.
The point of this example is that when things aren’t so easily discernible as to who or what is at fault, we tend to avoid accepting responsibility ourselves. This is partially why avoiding conflict can be so appealing.
We generally want to feel right, correct, competent, and confident in ourselves.
Psychologically, a sense of self-worth and self-respect is extremely important insofar as mustering the motivation to do things we need to do in life. As a result, we’re sensitive to discovering when our sense of self-confidence might not be totally accurate.
For example, if we think of ourselves as a smart person who is always right, we’ll feel extremely triggered and upset when someone else has to point out to us that we’re wrong. This notice from another conflict with our sense of self, and as a result causes a discontinuity.
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Discontinuities give rise to conceptual conflicts that the mind wants to resolve. Avoiding the conflict doesn’t help. You need to accept the truth so you can restore honor and correct your mistake. The friend who pointed out your mistake isn’t wrong or a bad guy; they’re actually trying to do you a favor. If we refuse to face the conflict so we can learn and grow, who suffers? Does our friend suffer or do we?
I would argue both suffer because the friend now has to deal with a contemptuous associate that isn’t mature enough to accept the truth and therefore is guided by a less than accurate picture of reality. And we’re suffering because we lack true knowledge and therefore are sure to stumble when acting on this less than perfect knowledge.
In the final analysis, conflict is always a result of conceptual controversy or discontinuity. The proper response to this situation is to invoke humility, realize you have something to learn and do the work to absorb this new information. It is our duty to life and truth to always bend ourselves to match reality, not the reverse.
In social arenas, conflict can be difficult to navigate, but the same general rules apply.
Humility helps you learn and expand your knowledge.
True knowledge helps you envision realistic goals, it helps you realize your goals, and it helps you understand the world around you and yourself.
The challenge is to resolve conflicts honorably, with goodwill, grace, and compassion. Of course, not everyone knows how to do this without causing harm to themselves or others. But we all have the potential to accept the challenges of life and learn how to navigate conflict wisely.
I encourage you to accept conflict, embrace it. Learn how to resolve your conflicts wisely and without causing harm to others.
Learn how to be humble so you can gain ever more perfect knowledge, that will help you do everything you want in life.
Learn how to help others resolve their conflicts by being compassionate, understanding, tactful, and wise.
Learn the laws of social interaction, the laws of contracts. Learn how to communicate clearly and bilaterally so you don’t impose your will on to others.
If everyone embraced conflict and manage it wisely, we’d live in a much different world.
In a grand sense, all of humanities problems flourish within the sea of unresolved conflict. Humanity is plagued by unresolved conflict. And in modern times, some have even chosen to rage against free speech as an attempt to cover up conflicts. But without the freedom to speak freely, how can we resolve conflicts?
I say to you, only when we as a people learn to facilitate the resolution of all conflicts will the prophesized golden age come to pass.
Until then, any illusion of peace that comes from silencing dissenting opinion will only create more problems than good. We need only look out in the world that increasingly popularizes political correctness and fallacious thinking to see the fruit of unresolved conflict poisoning everything we hold most dear.
Will you be brave and learn the wisdom of conflict resolution? If you do, you could become one of many world healers that carve a new path that future generations will come to thank us for.
– Justin
by Aletheia Luna, December 16th, 2018
Conflict is not exactly something we enjoy …
UNLESS of course, you have a psychological addiction to creating drama (see drama queens). In which case you may want to seek therapeutic intervention.
No, in general, most of us seek a conflict-free life in which we are liked and accepted by those around us. Very few people like being disliked (unless you are some kind of anarchic masochist). Most people want to fit in, be validated, agreed with, and approved by others … which is all very normal.
But what happens when this desire to avoid conflict becomes pathological?
The answer is that we become people-pleasers; sacrificing our authenticity to fit into a cookie cutter mold that is given the tick of approval by others.
Not only that but when avoiding conflict becomes pathological we may even start to adopt a “good vibes only” approach to life.
Let’s face it: on the surface, this appears kind of cute and has a faux-spiritual-new-age ring to it. But adopting this “positive-attitudes-only” philosophy to life is actually one of the most emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually detrimental attitudes you can adopt.
Because when we are trapped in the cycle of seeking positive vibes and avoiding conflict, we are not actually growing as people. Not only that, but we can actually become what I call “negativity-phobic” meaning that we develop a phobia surrounding conflict that can result in some pretty extreme and ironically negative behavior.
The Bullsh*t of “Good Vibes Only”
I have met and seen my fair share of good-vibe-only people in my field of work. I also am the creator and admin of four Facebook groups, which at the time of writing, have a collective total of 300,000+ members.
One thing I have noticed that has popped up consistently, no matter the environment or context, is that people don’t like critical thought. Critical thought is generally perceived as something “negative” and unsavory. Questioning and pointing out flaws and logical fallacies is something generally frowned upon and is almost immediately shunned, along with the person, who is perceived as a “troll,” “trouble-maker,” “argumentative person,” or most unfortunate of all, an “unawakened person.”
Not only that, but most people in the “spiritual” and self-help communities tend to be highly reactive towards any form of emotional conflict – or at best, passive-aggressive and self-righteous. It’s as if the spiritual ego that people adopt adds an extra layer of difficulty in dealing with negativity. We develop these strong ideals and beliefs about life based on regurgitated spiritual rhetoric (such as “all is Love,” “Love and Light,” “Think happy thoughts”) that when someone comes along as shits over that, we’re shocked.
I think this shock is the result of fear and anger. Fear that we might be wrong. Fear that our spiritual beliefs are no longer pacifying or creating a comfort bubble around us. And anger because we instinctively want to defend ourselves – the ego doesn’t like to be challenged or disproved. The ego wants to feel spiritually righteous; it wants the laziness of “good vibes only” because there is no challenge and therefore no threat.
But wanting and desiring “good vibes only” means that we are in a constant state of resistance to reality. Trying to create a “good vibes only” life, while understandable (especially if you’ve struggled with a lot of sadness, loss, and self-hatred in the past), limits your growth on every single level.
Why is demonizing and avoiding conflict limiting to your growth? We’ll explore that next.
Why Conflict is a Powerful Teacher
I am not innocent nor am I immune to the struggles of the “spiritual ego.” As a person who was raised in a fundamentalist Christian environment, I was taught to defend my dogmas, resist others, while at the same time trying to avoid conflicts and convert others.
Fast-forward to meeting my partner and co-writer of this site, Sol. Or shall I say: Shiva, the destroyer of worlds. Entering a relationship with this man was the most ego-destroying thing I have ever experienced – and I say that as a good thing. Getting into frequent conflicts in the early years of our relationship was the single most important thing that helped me to spiritually awaken.
Sure, it wasn’t pretty. I often felt a lot of self-pity, resentment, and anger surrounding my beliefs being systematically challenged and destroyed (hello Mr. INTJ). But it was keeping an open heart to this conflict and choosing to learn from it that transformed my life forever.
Without having someone call bullshit on all the ways that I lied to myself, I would never be where I am today. Without having someone point out to me where I was mistaken/wrong, it would have taken me years to develop the self-insight I now possess.
So here is why conflict is such a powerful teacher:
- Conflict helps you to actively develop more patience and forbearance around others.
- Conflict helps you to “see beyond the veil” of another’s actions and develop deeper insight and compassion for them.
- Conflict reveals your own areas of vulnerability and insecurity.
- Conflict shines a light on your shadow tendencies.
- Conflict can point out where you’re genuinely going wrong.
- Conflict is a no-bullshit teacher that reveals how you can grow more.
- Conflict is a way to test your emotional and spiritual maturity.
Having someone say “no, you’re wrong, and here’s why” or “that is totally ridiculous” is an immensely valuable gift. Even if the person is NOT coming from a conscious or caring place, it is a gift to experience conflict for others, for it reveals the truth about ourselves.
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The way in which we react to others speaks volumes about our capacity to practice kindness and understanding.
The way in which we react to others is a reflection of our own level of maturity or immaturity.
The way in which we react to others is a mirror of our own pain, insecurities, and fears.
There is a big difference between responding and reacting. Responding comes from a centered place of awareness and understanding. Reacting comes from unawareness and ignorance.
Do you feel mentally or emotionally threatened by another person who is “calling bullshit” on you or challenging you? Do you feel insulted by another person? GOOD. Find the lesson. Uncover the spiritual teaching. This person is your tough-love-boot-camp in the flesh.
Instead of reacting mindlessly to them, stop and be present. Be curious. Why is this person treating you in such a disrespectful way? Why does your ego feel so hurt? Do you secretly believe that the person might be right? Why is this a bad thing? What is the real cause of the other person’s aggression? What is behind their anger?
Ask questions and be open to accepting the truth. Ultimately your decision to learn from conflict comes from a choice: do you choose to use spirituality as a pacifier that bolsters your ego and makes you feel comfortable? Or do you choose to use spirituality as a way to pursue truth and authentic inner growth, which can be uncomfortable at times?
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9 Signs You’re Negativity-Phobic
Ideally, all spiritual practices would help us respond with maturity, compassion, and understanding towards negativity. But that is not always the case.
Are you negativity-phobic? Read the following signs for some clarity:
- You avoid people or situations that create uncomfortable feelings in you at all costs
- You are attracted towards the lighter and more ‘higher-conscious’ aspect of spirituality, but feel repelled (and maybe also irresistibly drawn to) the shadow side or Underworld path of spirituality
- You can’t handle criticism well (even if it is a well-meaning critique) and feel upset
- You feel unusually defensive or on-guard around others
- You’re highly sensitive to people’s thoughts and opinions about you
- You intentionally try to block out all forms of negativity from your life
- You refuse to acknowledge your shadows
- You tend to be an idealist
- You feel intense and overwhelming emotions such as anger, fear, hatred, or disgust when you’re confronted with a negative person
How many of these signs can you relate to? Be honest. If you’re serious about consciously evolving, it’s important to face reality.
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How to Embrace Conflict
Embracing conflict doesn’t mean enjoying it or seeking it out. Instead, embracing conflict is about adopting a mindful attitude that values the experience as something useful to learn and grow from.
From a hell-of-a-lot of experience with conflict, here is what I’ve learned:
1. Stop and take a deep breath. Catch yourself before you react. Walk away if you must. Take a few moments to gather yourself, and then respond.
2. Ask yourself, “What is this person or situation secretly teaching me?” Sure, the person might be acting like an asshole, but what message is being embodied through their actions?
3. Be curious and adopt an attitude of interested awareness when you feel triggered. Look at the emotions surging through your body. Examine the thoughts in your mind. Take note of how you’re feeling. To do this, you need to practice mindfulness.
4. Ask yourself, “What is actually hidden behind this person’s anger?” Stop taking emotions and apparent motives at face value. Try to think of all the possible reasons why the person is acting out or trying to hurt you. For example, maybe they have severely low self-worth. Maybe they are lonely and want attention (whether good or bad). Maybe they just went through a breakup. Maybe one of their loved ones just died. Maybe they’re experiencing a stressful day. Maybe they feel angry and sad about life. Be open to alternative explanations.
5. If you get emotionally triggered, reflect on the experience. What was it about the person that infuriated you so much? Instead of blaming them for how you feel, try to find the opportunity for growth that is being presented to you.
6. Understand that all unkind, cruel, vicious and abusive behavior has its root in pain. When I say pain, I mean emotional pain such as sadness, loneliness, emptiness, and fear. Once you can truly understand this for yourself, you will be able to keep your calm. Instead of running away from or avoiding conflict, you will face it and understand what is behind it with compassion or at least understanding.
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Conflict is one of those hard-ass, no-nonsense, and in-your-face teachers of existence that shines a light on your capacity to handle and understand human aggression. Your ability to sit with it without reacting to it is a sign of spiritually evolved maturity. Perhaps even more courageous is to use conflict as a lesson; a way to meet your own shadows and flaws with absolute honesty.
I hope this article has inspired you to stop avoiding conflict and instead perceive it differently.
I welcome you to share your perspectives and experiences with this difficult topic below!
This article (The Bullsh*t of “Good Vibes Only” (and Why Conflict Can Be Good)) was originally created and published by Loner Wolf by Aletheia Luna and is republished here with permission.
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools
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