(Stillness in the Storm Editor) In our increasingly technology-driven world, group activities have become too structured. Our need for adventure, excitement, and novel stimulation often comes through passive means, like binge-watching Netflix, scrolling through social media, or playing video games. One of the greatest joys in life is the adventure of learning how to play or interact with others, something children tend to do naturally.
The ability to formulate a set of rules whereby our needs and values can be expressed with others is a lot like a game.
A game is a group activity where two or more people agree to act out certain behaviors, limited by a set of rules, for everyone’s benefit. In this sense, all our relationships in life are like games we play with other people. The more we flesh out the rules, the more ways we can play together, and the more fulfilled and close we’ll feel with others.
But when the people we love do things we don’t like, it’s as if their behavior is an assault on us, specifically who we need them to be so we can love them. Thus, their behavior becomes an obstacle for our love, our desire to be close to them. This activates defense mechanisms in the brain that release stress hormones that make us feel threatened, hurt, angry. and bitter. And so, from this judgemental place, we withdraw, pulling away, not being as playful, engaged, or interactive.
This self-imposed isolation is common in relationships for several reasons.
In the beginning, we can fall in love quickly, often without knowing who someone truly is. This half impression, due to lack of awareness, will be destroyed by the truth over time. Coping with the disillusionment of truly knowing who your partner is can be hard for people. I would argue, more difficult in today’s world because mass media has painted a false picture of what an ideal relationship looks like, one where your partner is always who you can expect and depend on them to be. The truth is, relationships are mysterious, an adventure of knowing yourself and another person, the adventure of growing and changing together.
The challenge of this phase of a relationship, which I call the shadow phase, is that you have to decide if you’re willing to expand your horizons to love the fullness of who your partner is or are you going to withdraw and eventually decided to look for someone else. The first choice means you’ll change in the process of being open to new values offered up through the being of your partner. The second choice means staying the same, hoping for something better to come along later.
What’s interesting is that looking to history, the most successful relationships tend to be ones where both people were willing to embrace life together, allowing this to change them in the process. This speaks to what psychologists have posited for some time, which is that what makes any relationship rewarding is how much we grow through new and brave experiences.
What’s also interesting is that when we grow with someone, through some shared experience, it acts like an antidote to loneliness. Think about the almost permanent sense of togetherness survivors of a tragic situation feel. Would a mundane experience impart the same feeling? I don’t think so. It’s not like you feel a sense of togetherness with the people you share an elevator with on your way to your 9 to 5. No, the people we share the adventure with, the people we dare to embrace the unknown with, become soul-family. This principle of facing the unknown together as a key to social fulfillment is something we might have forgotten in the modern “safe space” driven world.
I think this suggests that we need raw, challenging, nitty-gritty experiences to feel true togetherness with others. I don’t mean manufacturing drama as a way to feel close to someone—we all know someone like that in our lives. I mean stripping away the self-imposed barriers to togetherness we often place on ourselves because we’ve been offended by life or other people in some way, or we fear abandonment.
What’s worse, playing no games at all, so as to avoid the risk of loss or being cheated? Or risking loss and unfairness while gaining the incredible rewards that come from playing with others?
The following article discusses some of the reasons we can feel lonely in relationships.
– Justin
by Staff Writer, October 13th, 2019
Feeling lonely in your relationship can be extremely painful. It hurts not knowing why your partner is acting emotionally indifferent. After all, the point of being in a relationship is to feel loved and to have your partner’s companionship. Few kinds of loneliness are as problematic or as common.
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer wisely said that loneliness is very beautiful as long as you have someone to talk about it with. However, plenty of people with many social media followers still feel alone and disconnected from their surroundings. Not only does that cause psychological distress, but also health problems.
This isn’t a new problem. People have always struggled with loneliness in their relationships. However, thanks to modern studies about loneliness, researchers are discovering more about this phenomenon that affects people of all ages. Couples young and old experience isolation and emotional indifference.
“If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.”
-Anton Chekhov-
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What causes loneliness in a relationship?
Some of the most intense sadness stems from the cold silence between two people who swore to love each other forever. Sometimes, one partner forgets their promise, choosing instead (consciously or unconsciously) to be emotionally indifferent with their partner.
This kind of situation doesn’t usually happen overnight. Psychological estrangement often creeps in unnoticed. It happens when you stop paying attention to the things you once enjoyed together. It happens when you forget details, stop listening to your partner, or when you simply go through the motions and stop making an effort.
Estrangement in a relationship has serious consequences. Watching your partner grow more and more distant is very painful and also has other consequences. Experts such as Dr. Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, philosopher, psychologist, and relationship expert, explains the following:
- It’s important to differentiate between being alone and being lonely. Being alone means that no one is physically with you. Being lonely, on the other hand, is a psychological reality that’s becoming more and more common. Surprisingly, those who experience it the most are people in relationships.
- This kind of loneliness often leads to depressive disorders and anxiety. According to studies such as this one conducted by Dr. Greg Miller at the University of Manchester, loneliness is just as dangerous for your health as smoking or leading a sedentary lifestyle.
Let’s analyze some of the reasons why you might feel lonely in your relationship.
Falling out of love and fear of change
Sometimes, falling out of love is like feeling a cold draft and not knowing where it’s coming from. Suddenly, although nothing has changed, things seem meaningless, unexciting, and dull.
Not always is there a concrete reason for falling out of love. Sometimes it just happens, and it’s disconcerting for both people involved. That being said, if you’re clearly aware that you don’t love your partner anymore, you should communicate your feelings. Deceiving your partner (or deceiving yourself) can have serious consequences. One of those is subjecting your partner to your emotional indifference, as much as you might try to hide it.
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Getting stuck in your routine
You’re more likely to feel lonely in your relationship when your day-to-day routine gets overwhelming. Between work, children, and responsibilities, you may not have any time left for affection or reconnection.
When that happens, even your conversations become mechanical, void of any affection, love, and intimacy. One way to deal with that is to try to change things up or seek professional help. In either case, being passive hardly ever helps solve the problem.
What if you’re the reason you feel lonely in your relationship?
Sometimes, you reach a point in your life where you just feel inexplicably empty. It’s a mix of dissatisfaction, existential crisis, and a fear of change.
These situations are more common than you might think. Some people feel lonely in their relationships because they’ve changed and are dealing with the frustrating of not having what they want. In this case, although no one is directly responsible, it’s easy to blame your partner for not being able to give you what you want. However, the truth is that your loneliness stems from your transformation.
You’ve evolved and your perspective has changed. Your likes and dislikes, needs, and motivations have changed as well. Maybe you’re on a different track professionally, you want to be more independent, or you’re longing for new social connections. Humans live in a state of constant change, and those changes can affect your relationship.
In conclusion, loneliness in relationships is very common. It’s also the cause of many breakups. First of all, because it causes suffering, psychological problems, and health problems. Second of all, because no one should have to experience this kind of pain or its consequences.
Thus, if you’re experiencing this kind of loneliness, try to get to the bottom of it. Figure out the root cause. Talk to your partner and try to come up with sincere, respectful, and responsible solutions.
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
Psychology is the study of the nature of mind. Philosophy is the use of that mind in life. Both are critically important to gain an understanding of as they are aspects of the self. All you do and experience will pass through these gateways of being. The preceding information provides an overview of this self-knowledge, offering points to consider that people often don’t take the time to contemplate. With the choice to gain self-awareness, one can begin to see how their being works. With the wisdom of self-awareness, one has the tools to master their being and life in general, bringing order to chaos through navigating the challenges with the capacity for right action.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
Stillness in the Storm Editor’s note: Did you find a spelling error or grammar mistake? Send an email to [email protected], with the error and suggested correction, along with the headline and url. Do you think this article needs an update? Or do you just have some feedback? Send us an email at [email protected]. Thank you for reading.
Source:
https://exploringyourmind.com/feeling-lonely-in-your-relationship/
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