(Stillness in the Storm Editor) All relationships are founded on fundamental laws that organize the whole of reality. These laws are the laws of trust, free will, and consciousness, which we know of on earth as the laws of contracts.
All relationships are cooperative efforts where individuals realize personal goals and desires through a group association. Understanding this law is the key to mastering social realities, giving you the power to manifest your desires and have your needs met in a harmonious, trusting, honorable way. Without trust, without understanding honor and the rights of others, you’ll naturally resort to intimidation, manipulation, coercion, and dishonor to realize your needs.
We naturally do this because, the primitive animal mind, known as the limbic, reptilian and somatic aspects of the brain, come online when we feel threatened or that our needs aren’t being met. Only a “civilized” human mind, that learns of the realities of social harmony, trust, and non-violent communication, can deal with threats and needs not being met without causing harm in the process.
In the mainstream, we call people who violate our rights narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. We call them toxic, hateful, nasty people, who have no problem hurting our feelings, lying, stealing, or cheating to get their way. And we might even find ourselves doing these things when we get triggered, desperate, or feel attacked. But odds are, most of you reading these words don’t want to be someone like this, even in our weaker moments.
If we want to have harmony in our lives and create harmony around us, we need to understand contractual realities.
What happens when our needs aren’t met? We feel dissatisfied and frustrated. When this dissatisfaction relates to another person, which it often does, this can breed resentment, bitterness, and contempt. In a moment of frustration, we can be tempted to withdraw, project our anger, and even destroy social connections to discharge our upset.
This happens because most of us weren’t taught how to manage our relationships in an honest, transparent way. We often rely on implied hazy agreements, which is a guaranteed recipe for personality clashes.
Types of Contracts and Their Potential for Disharmony
An implied agreement is an assumption that you or another will do something, based on an statement or past behavior. For example, if you start a new job, and clean up the break room in your spare time, your co-workers will begin to enjoy the benefit of your efforts. After some time, they’ll expect it. And if you decide to stop cleaning the break room one day, they might get upset with you that you aren’t cleaning it anymore. Is there upset correct?
On the one hand, any time a benefit is removed from a person’s life, they take notice. This activates the “problem solving” aspects of the brain related to goal acquisition and approach. A benefit, once received, now lost, creates defensive emotions and energy, which often manifests as frustration.
Think about it. If your partner always made you breakfast every morning, and you relied on this as a part of your routine, you’d be thrown off it they didn’t make breakfast one day.
And yet, your frustration isn’t because your partner did something to you, it’s because you expected something and it wasn’t there when you thought it would be.
Implied agreements create unacknowledged expectations, which create personal dissatisfaction when not met.
On the other hand, you can only expect someone to perform a service that benefits you if they agreed to do so. Their clear, explicit, and transparent statement of acceptance of an obligation, called a duty in a contract, is what makes your expectation, not met, a grievance.
Contractually, a grievance is when one party suffers because another party failed to do their duty. This creates a cause in law, or simply stated, a reason to talk to someone about what when wrong. You have a right to talk to people who fail to perform when you have agreements with them. For example, if you and a friend agreed to meet at a restaurant, and they didn’t show up, you are within your rights to call and ask them what happened.
Trust is the master key to all harmonious social interactions.
Explicit agreements, founded on transparent, honest agreements are the best because they are founded on explicit trust. Trust that your partner will do what they say allows you to do what you need to do.
For instance, if your husband said they’d pick up the kids, and you trust them, you choose to do something else, because your goal of picking up the kids was accepted and carried out by your partner. If they don’t pick up the kids, trust has been broken. Talking to them about why, and getting a good reason, along with a pledge that future issues won’t occur, restores trust. If someone says they’ll do something, they don’t, and you don’t talk to them about it, you can’t trust them anymore. Hence, discussing the outcome of an agreement is essential so you can continue to trust another.
Stated another way, when we agree to do something explicitly and carry it out, everyone in that agreement now has a reason to trust us. Implied agreements can’t build trust in the same way because people never pledge to do something, which means you didn’t register in your mind an acknowledged expectation. Hence, their failure to carry out an implied expectation isn’t a breach of trust because they never consented to it in the first place.
Do you see how implied agreements and expectations can lead to social disharmony?
Trust, in this sense, not only allows you to believe in another’s word, it also allows you to work with others to realize your goals, dreams and desires—as they trust you to do the same. In this way, we need each other to live a fulfilling life because all our dreams, values, and goals can’t be realized alone.
Implied agreements are not based in trust because people assume another will do something without actually gaining explicit consent.
To use the example above, you can’t rely on your husband to pick up the kids consistently, unless you formed an explicit agreement to do so. Your husband might have spontaneously picked up the kids on Monday, but you can’t leave it to him on Tuesday without talking first, or else, your kids might not be picked up that day. Thus, while implied agreements are everywhere—because we’re constantly receiving benefits from others without forming explicit agreements—we can’t truly rely on those benefits in a consistent way. Expecting consistency when no agreement exists is where we get ourselves in trouble.
So why are implied agreements bad?
It’s not that they are bad, it’s that they can’t be relied upon. And, you can’t justifiably get upset, or resentful at someone you don’t have a clear agreement with.
Personality clashes happen because people don’t get on the same page, they don’t like to make clear, transparent, and honest agreements about things they value. This is especially true in a romantic relationship in the modern world because, through mass media, we’re encouraged to think a “good relationship” means having all your needs met without having to ask or talk about it. This is a recipe for pain and suffering.
Your friend, family member, romantic partner, child, or parent might be good at reading you. They might be good at anticipating your needs. But to demand and expect them to do this without consent is dishonest, unfair, and puts a false expectation in your mind. You can’t reasonably be upset with someone for not doing something they never agreed to, knew about, or wanted to do.
The solution is to bravely confront or talk to those you are disappointed with, seeking to make explicit and transparent any implied agreement.
The challenge is that most people have experienced at least one person in their life that can become very toxic, defensive, or aggressive when confronted about a disharmony in a relationship. This leads many people to avoid a discussion altogether.
If you say nothing, no drama can take place, right?
Wrong.
The drama won’t be expressed in a heated discussion but it’s still there. The drama becomes internal, resentment, pain, distrust, and villainization of your loved ones.
The price of not speaking your truth, being brave, and learning how to work better with those around you is that you’ll become resentful. This becomes hatred.
Psychological studies and research suggest that resentment is a very common problem. Your cherished friend, lover, or family member will quickly become a “bad guy” in your eyes, and your defensive brain will flood your mind with negative-self talk when the engines of resentment start churning. If you’re not careful, the most mundane and silly issues can manifest into full-blown hatred, as resentment spreads like a cancer in your mind, closing your heart to any hope of reconciliation.
But make no mistake, resentment is a personal problem.
It’s a problem we create by not being brave. And it costs us at a personal level when those we previously loved become villains in our eyes.
To be sure, there are good reasons to not confront people, as many don’t know how to take it. But if you’re not careful, you’ll let a seed of resentment grow into a full blow flaming tree of hatred.
It’s very likely that this justified resentment, which is an excuse to avoid talking to someone, will be used later with other people. Thus, once you let cowardice and resentment become tools to avoid your social challenges, you’ll start using them more and more. Eventually, everyone in your life will seem untrustworthy, which leads to serious issues such as paranoid delusions, depression, bipolar, and other complications.
We always have the choice to set aside the cowardice of the past to embrace our potential as brave individuals in the present.
With all this in mind, consider the following tips from a therapist.
– Justin
Related Admitting Your Grievances Against Your Partner: Your Best Hope For Healing Your Relationship
by Stephanie Gentile, October 11th, 2019
Yet I speak to many individuals who believe their relationships are beyond repair. Introverts, in particular, often feel as though their needs are not being met and their voice is not heard.
Before we jump in and discuss how to solve this problem, let me give you some background on me and my family. I’m an introvert and an INFJ personality type; my father is an INTP, my mother is an ISFJ, and my little sister is an INFP. Basically, the only thing all four of us share is our love for time alone. Otherwise, we tend to clash in our approaches to life.
While my sister and I relate to one another’s idealism, I will never understand her head being in the clouds all the time. My mother and I relate on our tendency to make decisions based on our feelings, yet she struggles with my tendency to ignore what’s right in front of me. My father and I relate on our use of intuition, but I find his realism to be discouraging.
You can imagine the conflict and frustration that our differences have caused over the years. My point in sharing this is our commonalities with others do not necessarily sustain connection! Relationships are challenging, and they require us to present ourselves as we really are while also working towards growth.
So, here are six steps I teach my introverted clients that will help you cultivate greater connection when personalities clash.
What to Do When Personalities Clash
1. Identify what you need in your relationships.
You might be wondering, “Where do I start?” I suggest you start by first identifying what you need from your relationships. This can be challenging because many of us have been taught to meet the needs of others while ignoring our own. But if you are not first connected to your own needs, your connection with others will be limited or non-existent.
I used to struggle with this myself, and I isolated myself due to the fact that I believed others did not understand me (how’s that for an INFJ stereotype?). It was an incredibly painful time in my life!
While I still have moments of feeling misunderstood, now I have greater insight into what I need in my relationships. Identifying my needs allows me to calmly communicate with friends, coworkers, or loved ones who don’t share my personality preferences. While I can’t guarantee someone will meet my needs, I can give myself the gift of understanding why I’m clashing with someone.
2. Ask questions.
The steps I’m presenting may appear simplistic, but I know from experience they can be challenging for many of us “quiet ones.” Personally, as someone who avoids conflict, asking questions is a challenging step for me.
Here’s why asking questions helps when your personality clashes with theirs: It gives you space to process the event(s) that led to feeling disconnected from the other person. Additionally, it will allow the other person to present themselves as they are. When you ask questions, you’re offering a gift to your loved one and to yourself.
For example, let’s say a friend makes passive-aggressive comments about your need for time alone. This may lead to conflict where you feel misunderstood and hurt, and your friend experiences and expresses feelings of anger. A question you might ask your friend is, “How does it make you feel when I ask for time alone?” Immediately, you have validated the other person’s experience by demonstrating care for their emotions. This will help you gain insight into their thought process, and open the door to a conversation where you can make healthy compromise.
3. Ask for feedback.
I’ve noticed a trend in which someone discovers their personality type and then expects others to cater to that type. On one level, personality is simply a term for coping skills we learned in childhood as a means of getting our needs met. This is so important to remember in your interactions with others!
When you ask for feedback from others, you’re asking them to inform you of the ways in which they experience you. This can be difficult and painful, so remember to be gentle with yourself when you do this. For example, you could ask, “I want to better understand what it’s like to be my friend/spouse/coworker. What are some feelings you have when you’re around me? Do I make you feel appreciated, loved, accepted, etc.?”
Also, I want to note that feedback should only be sought from trusted loved ones. Or at work, from a colleague or supervisor who has demonstrated compassion in their interactions with you. While it might not be easy to hear what they tell you, this is an excellent opportunity for you to gain insight into how you interact with the world — and ultimately solve personality clashes.
4. Identify how your personality type protects you.
As I mentioned previously, our personality is developed, in part, as a way of getting our needs met as children. So get curious about your personality! Instead of saying, “I’m an INFJ; therefore I…” you can practice saying, “I tend to operate this way, and this helps me feel (important, needed, etc.) or it protects me from feeling (vulnerability, shame, etc.).” This is important because it will help you identify what’s going on within you when someone’s personality rubs you the wrong way.
5. Accept that you cannot change others.
You’ve heard you can’t change people. As someone who tried for over two decades to change and save others, I can confirm this is true. Attempting to change others will result in inner turmoil for you.
It can be helpful to recall times when, as a child, you felt your parent and/or guardian attempted to mold you into their image. Or remember the time a partner could not accept something about the way you operate; remind yourself how this felt. This will allow you to accept others for who they are.
You can also practice having compassion for yourself. Remind yourself how difficult it is to make positive, lasting change in your own life. When you do this, you’ll be able to practice greater compassion for others’ shortcomings. It won’t happen overnight, but this practice can lead to greater acceptance.
Buy Book Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day
6. Implement healthy boundaries.
It probably feels like boundaries get talked about a lot with no clear direction on how to set them. Why are healthy boundaries so important? Boundaries allow you to have greater compassion for other people. When I uphold my boundaries, I choose to no longer engage in unhealthy conversations and toxic relationship patterns.
This is closely tied to our willingness to accept others as they are rather than how we hope they will be. The steps I’ve previously listed will help guide you as you put up healthy boundaries; check out this post for more guidance.
I want to make the disclaimer that these six steps are a guideline: They are not an answer to every scenario in which you find personalities clashing. There are unhealthy relationships in which it may be time for you to walk away. If you’ve set boundaries with a loved one, and these boundaries are not respected, it may be time to let this person know you’ll no longer be able to engage in a relationship with them.
I can promise you that I have utilized these steps in my own life. I still experience frustration with loved ones, but it no longer consumes my thoughts when I don’t understand why someone has reacted to me a certain way.
This is challenging work that can feel unhelpful initially. But ultimately, this work is a gift to yourself. You deserve true, deep connection with others! You deserve having your needs met. You have the gift of knowing your personality, and now you can use this knowledge to create deeper connection and belonging.
Buy Book Toxic Friends: A Practical Guide to Recognizing and Dealing with an Unhealthy Friendship
About The Author
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
Psychology is the study of the nature of mind. Philosophy is the use of that mind in life. Both are critically important to gain an understanding of as they are aspects of the self. All you do and experience will pass through these gateways of being. The preceding information provides an overview of this self-knowledge, offering points to consider that people often don’t take the time to contemplate. With the choice to gain self-awareness, one can begin to see how their being works. With the wisdom of self-awareness, one has the tools to master their being and life in general, bringing order to chaos through navigating the challenges with the capacity for right action.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
Stillness in the Storm Editor’s note: Did you find a spelling error or grammar mistake? Send an email to [email protected], with the error and suggested correction, along with the headline and url. Do you think this article needs an update? Or do you just have some feedback? Send us an email at [email protected]. Thank you for reading.
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Why doesn’t Israel accept Refugees? Greetings, Mr Anonymous.
I assume you refer to the Syrian refugee crisis.
Syria is a hostile country towards Israel. Israel is also relatively a
very small country. It would be a catastrophic and potentially suicidal move for Israel to
accept millions of Syrian Arab refugees. It also isn’t Israel’s…
show more Israel was FOUNDED by refugees. The difference is that those refugees wanted
to make Israel better, not destroy it.