(Stillness in the Storm Editor) Modern relationships have the same challenges as traditional ones: how do you keep things interesting and alive? The best answer is to gain an understanding of why we experience joy and bliss at all. In the following article, mainstream psychology offers insight into why we experience boredom and what can be done about it. I’ll enhance this with a deeper spiritual understanding of relationships.
Spiritual growth is all about self-growth, as it relates to exploring life.
Psychologically, we’re creatures designed for adventure. We feel the most alive, happy, and fulfilled when we’re doing something deeply meaningful and explorative. This is because novelty, or new things, provide our evolving souls with raw material to reorganize (understand), through self-actualization. As we explore something outside of us we simultaneously explore ourselves. That is, we know the self by exploring the world and reflecting on what reaction we felt within. Then, with this greater knowledge of reality, we can retune our desires and goals, focusing on expanding our values to include cosmic wisdom.
In normal terms, you feel the most alive when you feel dynamic and alive, changing and growing because you’re open and receptive to life. Romance feels so good because it activates us, it reawakens things deep within. And this reactivity has to stay alive in a relationship or boredom creeps in.
If we remain unconscious in relationships, the autopilot within the mind turns new things into boring things. Hence, the greatest gift to a relationship is your personal investment at a conscious level, working to remove blocks that your subconscious automatically puts up as a feature of everyday life. That resistance you feel to your partner after a minor spat indicates you’ve unwittingly created blocks within yourself, which you have the power to dissolve.
Relationships are one of the best places for self-discovery because almost everything you can think about yourself of comes to life within a social situation, especially a romantic one.
Psychologically, we experience joy and happiness through fulfilling activities. Love, in this sense, isn’t some dead platitude you mindlessly declare to your partner—although, to be sure, modern culture encourages us to think this way. Instead, love is an active force, a creative force, requiring us to direct this energy into constructive outlets.
Everyone has likely been in a relationship where you can’t work with your partner, where everything is an argument, and the best you can hope for is sitting quietly, not fighting. But this isn’t a spiritually active relationship because there isn’t any personal and interpersonal growth.
Think of relationships like a musical band, the players in it should be learning more songs and becoming better musicians through their interaction. If there is no growth, if the band isn’t inspired to write more music, each musician gets bored and eventually leaves to find a better outfit to express their personal desires. Romantic relationships are the same, each person enters into a contract wherein they both pledge, at some level, to open themselves up to new things and challenges so things stay interesting and alive.
Things stagnate when the hurt inner child within us takes over and we start unconsciously putting up blocks that tell us we can’t do this or that with our partner. Often those blocks relate to deep dreams and desire within us that we should actually be working with our partner to express.
A relationship needs something that both people work and invest themselves in, a couple project of some sort. Arguably, children provide one of the best mutual projects. But often, due to lack of cultural influence, we don’t value or understand the importance of projects in a relationship. In which case, raising a child seems more like an obstacle for personal goals.
The solution is to develop the ability to explore new values and make them your own.
The spiritual truth is, we don’t have absolute free will, we can’t make our lives whatever we want. In truth, we have the choice to accept reality and in doing so feel happy and fulfilled, or we can reject reality and suffer accordingly. In this way, there are a host of things in a relationship we justify not accepting, often for not very good reasons. And this choice to resist costs us dearly, making our relationships into places of stagnation instead of inspiring growth.
And the reality is, relationships become boring because you have to invest yourself in them. It’s your job to workout why the things you have to deal with in your relationship are good and rewarding. You say cleaning up after your partner is annoying and you hate it? But why?
Of course, things should be fair in a relationship, personal space, rights, and free will must be respected. That said, there are things every relationship simply has to accept, or suffer accordingly. You will have to deal with the smells, messiness, and bad habits of your partner. And in modern-day culture, through movies, we’re encouraged to hate and reject such things, but is this effective and what is the cost?
What if your partner is pretty much a good match, but you just hate the way they chew their food. Or you wish they were more interested in the things you like. In such situations, if we’re not careful, the smallest of things can blossom into full-blown grudges and resentments, turning our beloved into a petty tyrant, someone we can tolerate but don’t really love in the same way anymore. Unless you have valid and good reasons to turn away from your partner, because they refuse to respect you or they abuse you, learning how to accept who they are often releases blocks and reawakens the inspired love that got things started in the first place.
With a little encouragement and faith in your partner, you’d be surprised how quickly they can be inspired to make themselves better. Spiritually, this is the point of relationships, we’re meant to become better people in and through our partner’s loving support. Thus, don’t let yourself develop a fatalistic attitude. Have faith that growth is on the horizon, and you are an active part in that growth through your service to others philosophy, especially directed toward your partner.
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All of this describes the various ways we can justify withdrawing in our relationships, along with how we can turn things around.
We’re meant for the many to become one. We’re meant to grow within by learning how we’ve blocked ourselves to our partners, making our self work one of the biggest projects in a relationship, with our partner as a trusted ally. And if we can work with our partner to grow as individuals, this creates an implicit trust that makes all other projects with them attainable.
Some of the happiest relationships from history were between people who had the capacity for humility, self-work, and tolerance so that their personal ambitions could come to life in and through each other.
Once this has been attained, once both people grow in themselves enough to grow with each other, boredom disappears. Every moment is filled with adventure and excitement, as each walk arm in arm toward the mysteries of future existence.
– Justin
by Staff Writer, July 18th, 2019
Boredom isn’t a plague, but a completely normal state in certain moments of your life. So, experiencing boredom in your relationship only means it’s time to introduce novelties and variations.
Boredom in relationships is as normal as being bored with your job, family, commitments, or any other constant in your life. Let’s start by saying that boredom isn’t a deplorable state. Also, it isn’t the end of the world nor as negative as many tend to believe. Boredom happens to the best of us, and keep in mind that only boring people get bored.
We can define boredom as a state of zero interest or motivation. The word “bore” as a noun meaning a “thing which causes ennui or annoyance”. So, according to the etymology, it would be something like “being annoyed”.
Being bored with your significant other, your job, your friends, or with whatever bores you is perfectly normal –under certain circumstances. Boredom is simply a consequence, not a problem in and of itself. It’s just like the darkness that allows you to value light more and vice versa.
“Boredom is a sign of satisfied ignorance, blunted apprehension, crass sympathies, dull understanding, feeble powers of attention, and irreclaimable weakness of character. Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.”
-James Bridie-
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Reflections on Boredom
Boredom is depression’s “brother from another mother”. It’s a state that generates a lot of discomfort and easily leads to sadness. It sometimes leads to questions and thoughts about the true meaning of life. And if you obsess over it for a while, it could lead you to despair.
Isaac Asimov predicted that boredom would become the greatest disease in modern times. Why in modern times? It didn’t exist before? Not really. Perhaps, the only thing that changed is that, somehow, this feeling developed a bad reputation. Boredom acquired a negative connotation. And, as with everything “negative” in the age of “positive thinking”, it won’t be tolerated.
A person usually gets bored when they aren’t doing anything fun. More precisely, boredom is the alternate, fun version of their reality. People begin to feel itchy when their activities become routinary and extremely repetitive. Also, when there are no goals or objectives to look forward to or these are no longer challenging, attractive, or meaningful.
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Boredom in Relationships
Boredom within relationships is often a sign of serious alarm. Of course, the first thing that comes to someone’s mind is the suspicion thay love is over. In fact, love and boredom in a relationship are realities that often coexist. Although they may seem contradictory, they aren’t.
It’s common for people to get bored with their significant other after a few years of coexistence, even months. Research on the subject indicates that the critical point of a relationship is between its fourth and seventh year because this is the time when the brain stops releasing dopamine and other substances associated with falling in love. Thus, we’re biologically ready to dispense with our co-parent when we know for sure that our genes will survive.
From a psychological point of view, boredom in a relationship could be a sign that the stage of romantic love is over. However, a study carried out by Sandra L. Murray, Dale W. Griffin, and John G. Holmes indicates that the more idealized the stage of falling in love is, the lower the likelihood of boredom after it.
Affection Anxiety
When two people fall in love, what’s known as “affection anxiety” immediately activates in them. Starting a loving relationship with someone often generates the feeling that one’s life is undergoing an expansion. This is experienced as a psychological awakening that gives rise to many pleasant sensations.
In addition, there’s a need for protection and comfort, as well as fear of loss that come along with it. The antidote for all of this is to remain close to your loved one. When these feelings are clearly mutual, then the anxiety lessens. So, what these feelings indicate in reality is that there’s a strong need for connection with the object of your affection.
As time goes on, this feeling of individual expansion and psychological awakening decreases. What was once extraordinary becomes familiar and the exhilarating feeling of novelty disappears. And so do the enthusiasm and the accumulation of pleasant sensations that you experienced before. It’s at this point when boredom in relationships happens.
Keep in mind that things will never be the same as they were at the beginning. However, it doesn’t mean they have to be bad as there are many ways to rekindle the flame and avoid the feeling of boredom. You must start with yourself. Have you become boring? If so, reintroduce novelty as the main way to reawaken your mutual interest.
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
The preceding information discusses the benefit of framing your romantic relationships in terms of growth instead of merely having your needs met. Given that change is unavoidable, growth is a survival choice. If one chooses growth and cultivates that in their lives with their fellows the changes that life brings can be beneficial and rewarding instead of tragic. For romance, the love and respect a couple has for each other will die if they fail to cultivate growth in the relationship, through respect, transparent communication, and value harmonization. With this knowledge in hand, a great many relationship perils can be avoided while at the same time training oneself in the art of true companionship that provides progressive levels of fulfilment.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
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