(Stillness in the Storm Editor) Sex and the pursuit of pleasure is a complicated issue in modern times. For eons, oppressive cultures limited sexual expression, often citing religious doctrine, resting on an ocean of ignorance around the biology, psychology, and spiritual aspects of sex. In the modern age, a kind of “free-love” mentality has led many to believe sex can be anything we want. But as it turns out, sex is much more complex than we thought, and in the age of information, understanding why people do what they do during this most intimate activity can be incredibly empowering.
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In the following article, psychologists study the reasons why women fake orgasms. It suggests that, according to a study, women tend to do this for practical reasons, such as making their partner feel good about the interaction, stopping the session, or not feeling comfortable enough to talk about your needs with your partner.
Despite the fact we can sometimes think of sex as a bonus for relationships, it’s actually a foundational pillar for romantic relationships. Sex is more than just getting your rocks off, it’s a biological pair-bonding experience that touches the deepest aspects of our being.
Good soul-fulfilling sex with someone we love, respect, and admire, can heal core wounds, restore the mind-body connection to balance, open the mind to new truth and ways of seeing the world, and can even repair the body by reducing cortisol levels. Bad sex can be very damaging, such as non-consensual sex, like rape. But worse, dissatisfying sex with a partner we love can be crushing.
Sex, at a spiritual level, is about bonding. It’s about sharing your essence with another, one who wants to experience the fullness of who you are. It’s an act that gives life to the intangible nature of love and connection. It makes the reality of your loving bond with another more real. It literally rewires your brain for more love, joy, and happiness, if properly done in a healthy way. But in order to tap into these soul healing aspects, one needs to have their needs met.
In this way, sex is not just a joyful act of expression, it’s a kind of contact in that both people ideally work to learn about and meet the needs of their partner.
In modern times, socially reinforced stigmas about sex, along with what I would argue to be intentionally destructive social programming, has led us to perpetuate bad habits. For instance, if meeting the sexual needs of your partner is arguably a pillar of a healthy relationship, why is it that most couples, whether newly bonded, or in years of relationship, barely discuss the actual effects of their sexual interaction.
To compare to a musical outfit, how can a group of musicians make beautiful music if they never reflect on their performance so as to improve it?
Culturally, through TV, movies, and other mass media, I would argue, we’re led to believe our partner’s worth to us can be measured by how well they can meet our needs—without us having to say anything. This is particularly true for those exposed to mass media in the past 50 years, an example of which is in Disney films and TV shows. Often, stories depicting female characters who find “Mr. Right” because he, through some telepathic feat, seems to meet the needs of his proposed mate. Then, combine this false expectation of relationships with porn, where people seem to be engaging in the best sex of their lives without having to talk or negotiate what that sex looks like.
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In the real world, the way two people manifest something they want is through communication. Creating a space of vulnerability, so both men and women can talk openly about their sexual experiences, is the key to solving this endemic intimacy problem.
Couples who manage to work through their fears around talking about sex have better sex lives.
This being said, sometimes each person have hang-ups about doing so. And if this is true for your relationship, getting the ball rolling by taking the lead can be extremely helpful.
In relationships, of all types, the culture of the relationship that dictates what can and cannot be discussed can be a real problem. Sometimes a false impression can block discussion, a presumption that neither people are willing to discuss something, when in fact, both are itching to do so. Bravery is the key to transcendence.
Let’s talk about some solutions along with factors to consider.
The discussion around male-female dynamics is a long one. For now, there are various biological and cultural influences that have led us to where we find ourselves today.
In the main, women in the modern world are less likely to tell their partners what they need because of cultural taboo—traditionally, the cultural image of women-hood was one in which they weren’t allowed to be sexual, and therefore, discussing their needs would be considered socially reprehensible. But clearly this isn’t helpful or true.
As a matter of fact, the psychological mechanism of approach combined with the fact women are more attracted to accomplishment, status, and prominence in male partners, suggests women need to anticipate the sexual exchange in order to reach full sexual potency during the act. This suggests that women need more conceptual freedom, they need more cultural acceptance, so as to allow their imagination to be active so as to produce the conditions that would make orgasm more likely.
For men, this means being open to feedback. The fact is, men are in the active role, for the most part, which means they need to ask about what they can do better and what works. And as men, opening the door for such a discussion provides a safe space where both can begin to better understand each person’s personal desires and needs. Of course, this also gives a chance for men to talk about their needs in sex as well, as both need to be satisfied for a good healthy relationship.
For women, letting go of the taboo around thinking and talking about sex openly is a must.
In modern times, this is a bit easier, as cultural changes are taking place. But amidst these changes, likely through porn and other influences, the discussion can sometimes be combative, instead of cooperative.
The bottom line is a relationship is a dance. The dance improves through good communication, where each person strives for the best but is willing to work with what exists now so as to improve things later.
Modern-day expectations tend to make people think if your partner isn’t perfect in the bedroom now, they never will be. But looking to history, a great many cultures recognized that sexual satisfaction is a skill, not something you’re born with. And if couples approach their mutual sex economy as a kind of enterprise that can get better over time, through cooperation, then that’s exactly what will happen.
A great many relationships have fizzled sex lives because of disillusionment, which is the last point I’ll make in this introduction.
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Philosophically, and socio-psychologically, you get into a relationship, whether platonic or romantic, because you think the other person is going to help express your values. But when, through culture, we’re led to believe anything less than perfection is an indication of a bad match, we greatly limit ourselves. If you are compatible with someone and you’re not satisfied, it’s likely not because they’re a bad match, it’s because their are improvement opportunities not being taken advantage of.
Disillusionment comes in when you start to lose faith in your partner’s ability to meet your needs. Once that happens, it can be a deathblow.
This loss of faith can blossom into resentment, frustration, and bitterness, eventually leading to a break-up or cheating. Psychologically, this is one of the primary causes of romantic issues because you literally start to believe your partner can’t meet your needs. From here, you’re more primitive biological mind will automatically respond to other people, meaning you’re on the prowl for new mates, because, you’ve told your mind your current partner isn’t good enough.
Thus, a great many challenges in relationships can be addressed by understanding the reality of relationship dynamics and managing your expectations accordingly. Combined with a dose of bravery and trust in a partner you can believe in, you’d be surprised how quickly things can change for the better.
– Justin
() Human sexuality is a wondrous activity. Our understanding of why we act the way we do when we have sex continues to intrigue psychological researchers, since we do things that don’t always seem to make much logical sense. Such as faking an orgasm.
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Most of us would like to pursue a satisfying and pleasurable sex life. But expressing our sexual needs remains a taboo subject for most people — and especially women. Recently researchers examined how women communicate their sexual needs and examined the reasons behind faking an orgasm. Here’s what they found.
Despite the lack of open communication about our sexual needs, most people still report moderate to high levels of sexual satisfaction. That’s according to this most recent research from Debby Herbenick and her colleagues at Indiana University (Herbenick et al., 2019).
In a representative sample of 1,055 U.S. women drawn from across the country, the researchers administered a number of questionnaires online to gauge sexual behavior and development, faking orgasm and the reasons for doing so, sexual non-communication, and recent sexual satisfaction.
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Faking Orgasm
The researchers found that over 58 percent of women had reported faking an orgasm, but that the vast majority — over 67 percent — no longer did. Why do women fake orgasm in the first place?
The reasons varied from wanting their “partner to feel successful, [wanting] sex to end because they were tired, and [because] they liked the person and didn’t want them to feel bad.”
Women who reported no longer faking an orgasm did so because they were more comfortable with sex, with their own identity as a woman, and a feeling of contentment and acceptance from their partner regardless of whether they had an orgasm or not. In other words, it wasn’t important any longer to their sexual satisfaction or self-identity. They felt safe and secure enough in their relationship to no longer feel the need to fake it.
The researchers note the positive effects of women who grow more confident in themselves and their relationship’s security:
In spite of the many challenges that women experience relevant to gendered norms and traditional scripts that minimize the role of female sexual pleasure and agency, the story our data and others’ tell is one of women’s persistence, growth, learning, and curiosity. Our findings evoke ideas of women navigating paths through relationships, love, and power differentials to explore and connect with their sexuality.
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Sexual Communication & Conversations
Having a conversation about one’s sexual needs is not always easy. In fact, as this study discovered, most people simply choose not to. More than half the women — 55 percent — decided not to talk to their partner about their sexual needs, despite wanting to do so. Why? Primarily because they didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, didn’t feel comfortable going into detail, and because it’s just too embarrassing.
Younger women also reported having trouble in knowing how to ask for what they wanted and they also worried about being rejected.
Of course, as one might expect, the more able a woman was able to talk about their sexual needs in frank and direct terms, the higher levels of satisfaction such women reported. The more you can talk about sex, the better it’s likely to be because you’re asking for exactly what you want (which hopefully your partner can provide).
The researchers suggest:
This finding is congruent with the idea that sexual partners benefit by sharing detailed directions or preferences with one another in order to guide stimulation on … parts of their bodies. […F]eeling capable, comfortable and/or confident communicating with a partner in sexually explicit ways likely builds on a variety of knowledge, experiences, and skills.
Summary
Open and frank conversations are important to a satisfying sex life for both partners. Direct conversations about sexuality and body parts — while perhaps initially difficult or embarrassing for many — are vital to ensuring both partners’ needs are met in their sexual relationship. Avoiding such conversations is correlated with lower sexual satisfaction in women.
In the discussion of their study, the researchers note how long most women suffer in not finding their own sexual voice:
[W]omen are, on average, in their mid-twenties before they feel comfortable and confident sharing how they would like to be touched or have sex, as well as before they feel like their sexual pleasure has been valued by a partner.
Also, about 1 in 5 women in our study still did not feel comfortable and confident discussing their sexual preferences and 1 in 10 had yet to feel that their sexual pleasure mattered to a partner.
American women’s average age of first coitus is at around age 16 or 17, with many young women reporting other partnered sexual activities (such as oral sex or partnered masturbation) prior to that. Thus, young women commonly engage in varied kinds of partnered sex for nearly a decade before they feel like their sexual pleasure matters to a partner—if they ever do.
Show that your partner’s sexual satisfaction matters to you by having a conversation about their — and your! — sexual needs. You may be surprised at the positive outcome of such a talk.
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Reference
Herbenick, D. et al. (2019). Women’s Sexual Satisfaction, Communication, and Reasons for (No Longer) Faking Orgasm: Findings from a U.S. Probability Sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01493-0
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
Psychology is the study of the nature of mind. Philosophy is the use of that mind in life. Both are critically important to gain an understanding of as they are aspects of the self. All you do and experience will pass through these gateways of being. The preceding information provides an overview of this self-knowledge, offering points to consider that people often don’t take the time to contemplate. With the choice to gain self-awareness, one can begin to see how their being works. With the wisdom of self-awareness, one has the tools to master their being and life in general, bringing order to chaos through navigating the challenges with the capacity for right action.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
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Source:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-women-fake-orgasm-and-why-most-no-longer-do/
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