(Stillness in the Storm Editor) Rebuilding trust after a betrayal, whether real or imagined, is no small thing. As one who studies psychology, law, and philosophy, trust is at the core of human life, it’s so vitally important to almost everything we do, it can often go unnoticed, like recognizing you’re breathing air. The science of trust, which rests in law and philosophy, is very helpful to understand when dealing with the social tragedies of betrayal.
Looking at it from one perspective, trust is all about faith, which is the hope that someone or something will be what we expect when we expect it.
For example, when you trust yourself, you can confide (have confidence in) the fact you will do or be something—when you trust yourself to wake up for work, you plan your life around that assumption. Lack of self-trust creates a block, a problem. If you can’t trust yourself to go to work, how can you manage everything that is influenced by your working life?
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Similarly, trust in relationships is about reliability, the faith that the one we placed our trust in won’t let us down. In law, trust and contracts are intimately connected, two sides of the same coin.
Let’s consider some examples.
If you’re in a relationship and you have a spouse, you need to trust that your partner will do things for you and that you will do things for them. Domestically, you might trust your family to manage their lives well enough so that they’ll be free for family dinner when it starts. If you can’t depend on them for that, what happens? Your personal goal of wanting to have dinner with your family can’t be realized. Thus, from a contractual perspective, having a family dinner is an agreement, between you and your family, wherein everyone agrees to do something, and pledges to honor that duty—in trust.
The whole unconditional love concept can confuse us here but it shouldn’t. You can unconditionally love, respect and admire someone in your life while recognizing their capacity to be relied upon might vary. Holding someone accountable isn’t some kind of act of conditional love—it’s actually an act of loving support because they need that data to improve themselves, and you presumably value their growth as much as they do.
Thus, in relationships, there is a desire to express love and the mechanism that makes that expression possible, which is trust and agreement.
This is why, when betrayal happens, it can so be crippling, as we don’t stop loving someone we simply lack the trust to give that love life.
As such, learning how to restore trust is key because the cost of refusing to do so results in justified denied love—you want to express your love but you tell yourself you can’t, so you hate on them instead. Thus, their act of betrayal becomes an obstacle for your desire to love them, triggering ancient defense and aggression mechanisms in the brain. This is why get you angry at your partner when they betray your trust, because love, that can’t be expressed, becomes hate.
Think about that for a moment.
When betrayal happens this damages trust because betrayal is an instance of malicious rejection of previously agreed upon duty. Betrayal is a demonstration of unwillingness, despite the fact one might have been previously willing before. For instance, if your partner said they’d pick you up from the airport, and they never showed up, this would be a breach of contract, a failure to perform previously agreed upon duties.
But is it betrayal?
Not necessarily.
In order for it to be betrayal, malice has to be involved, meaning a person has to consciously know that they agreed to do one thing and did another instead. The basis of this betrayal might be cowardice, that they didn’t know what they were getting into, choosing to back away in fear. Or it might be outright deception—they knew you were relying on them and they consciously chose not to do what they said because they wanted to hurt you in some way—malice. Malice is, without question a breach of trust, because your word can’t be trusted. Breach of trust is another way of saying betrayal—a crippling situation in relationships, affecting everything that makes your connection with another person a reality.
Malice or breach of trust is called bad faith in law. The reverse, good faith, is the assumption people are honest about their intentions, which is a core basis of trust.
Let me explain how that works.
In order to have an agreement don’t you need to trust another person’s word? If they say they agree, but in truth, they don’t, they are lying, this is bad faith. Clearly, you can’t trust that they will do what they agreed to do if they were dishonest in saying they agreed. Hence, before you can have a contract, before you can cooperate, before you can have a relationship with someone and all the things that we think of when we consider relationships, trust must be present.
Let that sink in.
This is why a breach of trust in one area causes a question of trust in all areas. If you can’t trust your partner’s word to pick you up from the airport, how can you be sure you can trust their word when it comes to anything else? Do you see how damaging a breach of trust, betrayal, can be?
In this sense, trust is like a delicate flower, at the core of what makes you trust someone is the good-faith assumption they truly want to do the things they say they will, and that they truly care about working with you to meet your, and their, goals. Hence, an honorable contact, a healthy relationship, a trusting relationship is one of mutual dedication to collective goals and values.
Betrayal is some action that places that good-faith assumption in doubt.
Repairing trust, after a betrayal can be very difficult, not that it’s impossible. As a matter of fact, I would argue, it is a requirement of human life that we learn how to restore faith in people who’ve let us down, who’ve broken our trust, either because of cowardice or outright malice.
When we don’t learn how to rebuild trust in our fellows, this wound taints all future interactions, with all people.
This is very common in romantic relationships, especially in the modern age, as the wisdom of how to rebuild trust and what makes relationships what they are have been purged from common knowledge. Without the wisdom of how to repair trust, the primitive animal mind assumes the worst, and acts as if everyone can’t be trusted, which generates resentful, nagging passive-aggressive behavior.
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Restoring trust, at any level, requires a hearing, an airing of grievances. The specifics of what happened, who accepted what duty and who failed to meet their obligations needs to be presented to all affected parties. The one who broke trust needs to explain what happened, and why. Then, those who have had their trust violated need to provide a pathway for redemption, through first, forgiving the breach of trust, and offering up a new duty as an opportunity to restore trust and prove good faith.
Of course, those who have had their trust violated need to determine if they even want to bother restoring relations with one who broke trust.
In this regard, it is generally thought of as untenable to attempt to restore trust with someone who lacks humility, who refuses to demonstrate contrition or seeks to admit they were wrong and seek redemption. And it also must be underscored that those who have had their trust broken must not be overly judgemental, critical or, cruel in the demands they place on the one seeking redemption. All should be fair with the primary goal of restoring love and fellowship for future cooperation and co-creation.
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As a final comment, rebuilding trust in the modern-age can be so difficult because, as a culture, the value of redemption, contrition, and trust are not idealized. Instead, we have a culture that reveres and exemplifies those who were hurt or betrayed, and have become bitter, discharging their resentment and venom in a “hatefully justified way.” It takes more bravery to open yourself up to redeeming one who has betrayed you.
What’s more, ancient animalistic drives, which are at the heart of human life, work against trust-building after betrayal.
The animal mind would rather assume the worst and act on that certainty than assume the best, and deal with the uncertainty of attempting to rebuild trust. And this is why, I would argue, the concepts of redemption, forgiveness, and the restoration of trust are largely found within religious works because the spirit-led mind is capable of seeing the value of restoring trust, whereas the animal-led mind only knows survival.
I can tell you, based on my life experience, closing your heart and mind to the world and other people because of the tragedies of life can be tempting, but costly.
What’s worse, taking a risk with the promise of happiness and joy? Or avoiding risk and guaranteeing misery and sadness for the rest of your days?
I didn’t have time to get into it but learning how to deal with betrayal in a healthy way literally improves your emotional state, through facing fear and reducing overall anxiety and stress.
Thus, with the advent of modern science, and scientifically supported ethical knowledge, we now know practicing forgiveness and restoring trust isn’t just some religious platitude, it’s a fact as true as the reality of your heart needing to beat to keep you alive.
– Justin
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How can you rebuild trust after a history of betrayal and disappointment? You can seek out therapy or relationship advice, but trust issues come in many forms and are multi-faceted.
Rebuilding trust starts with trusting in yourself.
We lose trust in people — parents, siblings, friends, lovers, spouses, and even children. We can lose trust in circumstances, such as a work or job situation, or travelling such as driving or flying. Disappointments are an inevitable part of life — both being disappointed and being the source of disappointment.
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We can lose trust by making associations and generalizing experiences, such as:
- “My dad cheated on my mom.”
- “My best friend’s husband cheated on her.”
- “My college boyfriend cheated on me.”
- “My first husband cheated on me, so I don’t trust my husband to be faithful.”
- Or even more simply, “He has lied to me before, so I can’t trust him now.”
- “I have been lied to or betrayed in any number of ways before by any number of different people, so I don’t trust anyone.”
Wherever the source of mistrust comes from, rebuilding trust outside of yourself starts with trusting in yourself.
Mistrust is simply a shield to protect you from a fear. So, if you are afraid of being cheated on like your mother was, because it indicated that she wasn’t enough or wasn’t worthy, which means if you are cheated on you are also lacking and unworthy of loving devotion, you begin to mistrust so you will have protection from being blind-sided by a perceived inevitability.
You gear up for it by being aware that it’s always right around the corner anyway, hoping that will soften the blow.
When you believe that you can handle, survive, or be made stronger by a recurrence of what led to this mistrust, or at least come to some place of acceptance and faith in the process of living — knowing that you are exactly where you need to be, having the experiences you are meant to have to get you where you want to go — you can exist with and move forward with this person or through this familiar circumstance.
Over time, through continued success, you will start to trust again.
The magic is within you. No need to protect yourself from being duped again; because someone else’s dishonesty is always about them, not you. Have gratitude for the life system that gave you the opportunity to see this person’s limitations so you can evaluate their appropriateness in your life, or re-evaluate the health of the relationship and determine where changes need to be made, or evaluate yourself and identify the broken link in your chain of life that allowed you to have this experience or that brought this dysfunction into your life experience.
Remember that the other person is responsible for their actions, and you are responsible for your experience of their actions.
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A pre-requisite for trusting yourself again is leaning into the hurt and pain of the betrayal, disappointment or trauma. You must allow yourself to feel and experience it fully, or how else could you build the trust in yourself to survive it should it happen again?
Grieve the loss of trust, feel the sadness, hurt, anger and frustration. You have to move through it to the other side of the pain in order to triumph over it. Your body, mind, spirit and memory will remember the path of triumph and trust in that when called to in the future.
Try communicating your feelings and the consequences to the offending party:
- What did they do?
- How did you perceive it?
- What part are you unsure of?
- How did it make you feel?
- What decisions/actions did that feeling lead you to?
- How did their direct action impact your actions and your feelings?
Acceptance and unconditional love comes next. For your and their imperfections and fallibilities. Remember to have empathy for their shortcomings.
For instance, imagine your child has failed to hit a target. Wouldn’t you feel bad for them that they failed or didn’t get it right? No one is perfect. If you spend enough time with someone, they will hurt and disappoint you at some point.
Then forgive them, the offense, and yourself for allowing it to enter your experience. If you both want a future together, find a compelling reason to rebuild trust, salvage the relationship, and build a new future that fosters honesty through acceptance of the dark side of each other and yourselves, as well as an appreciation of the light and love.
This guest article was originally published on YourTango.com: How To Rebuild Trust After A Major Relationship Betrayal.
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
Psychology is the study of the nature of mind. Philosophy is the use of that mind in life. Both are critically important to gain an understanding of as they are aspects of the self. All you do and experience will pass through these gateways of being. The preceding information provides an overview of this self-knowledge, offering points to consider that people often don’t take the time to contemplate. With the choice to gain self-awareness, one can begin to see how their being works. With the wisdom of self-awareness, one has the tools to master their being and life in general, bringing order to chaos through navigating the challenges with the capacity for right action.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
Stillness in the Storm Editor’s note: Did you find a spelling error or grammar mistake? Send an email to [email protected], with the error and suggested correction, along with the headline and url. Do you think this article needs an update? Or do you just have some feedback? Send us an email at [email protected]. Thank you for reading.
Source:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/rebuilding-trust-after-a-huge-relationship-betrayal/
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