(Stillness in the Storm Editor) We’ve all heard about the power of fear. But do we really understand how facing our fears leads to a happy and fulfilling life? It sounds like an empty cliché but the truth is facing your fears is arguably the most empowering thing you can do, no matter what your situation.
In order to understand why facing fears is so important, you need to understand how your brain works.
The brain records your life experience in neural circuits mapped directly onto brain regions as well as onto the central nervous system. Your brain has several systems that deal with fearful situations, things we’d rather not deal with but can learn how to.
When you become aware of something you want to avoid or can’t handle, your amygdala flags that object, concept, or experience as something you don’t value, something that is to be avoided. From then on, your brain will setoff that program of fear, making you feel intense negative emotions.
For animals, these intense negative feelings are part of the emotional system that’s designed to keep them alive, to help them survive.
To a rabbit, the sound of a dog howling evinces a fear response, causing the rabbit to be on high alert for the predator. When a dog is seen by the rabbit, intense instincts of flight overwhelm the rabbit’s mind, causing it to run for safety.
For humans, the same basic animal-driven system is at work, except it can easily get hijacked. Humans possess an increased ability to learn fears, due to the fact we attach ourselves to time (the future), social relationships, and our identity. Thus, anytime these attachments are threatened, it can trigger the intense animalistic fear response.
But humans aren’t animals. We have emotions, but we also have a rational mind. And for humans, we can use our thinking mind—through the bravery response—to deal with fears in a constructive way. As a matter of fact, if you don’t deal with your fears using bravery, your animal fear centers take over, causing you to feel extreme anxiety that can lead to trauma.
In short, for humans, fear exists for one central purpose: to be conquered.
Unlike animals, humans can learn to face their fears from a place of calm, cool, and collected thinking. When you decide to face your fear, something special happens. You assume you have the self-confidence and skill to face the fear, activating your exploration and creative brain centers. This literally transforms fear signals in the brain to empowering ones, as you bravely and enthusiastically face the fearful situation, often called the fight response.
Of course, the first time you try to face a fear, it might not feel that great. But the brain centers responsible for facing all fears can be exercised by facing any one of them. Thus, by learning how to face the fears you consider silly and unimportant, you develop bravery and actually form the neural connections needed to make facing them fun and enjoyable.
This is the really amazing part.
When you learn to face your fears you build general self-confidence.
To someone who’s never faced a fear, the prospect of doing so seems completely unattainable. But facing just a few often gives you a taste for it. The reason why is that in order to activate the bravery brain centers you need to believe in yourself. This means it’s a feedback loop—the more fears you face the better you’re able to face your fears. In essence, you activate the hero within, which gives you power to conquer fear in every area of your life.
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Facing your fears is more than just forcing yourself to deal with an uncomfortable situation. At its core, facing your fears is about learning. Unchecked fear leads to cowardice, the act of turning away or avoiding something. You can’t learn about something you’ve turned away from. Thus, if you walk into any fearful situation with the attitude that you have something to learn and hold that intention as you do your work, you’ll reframe your mind to be more open and receptive to the very wisdom you need to face your fear.
Let me say that again.
Facing fears is all about gaining knowledge and wisdom. The reason you fear anything is because you don’t understand it or you don’t understand how to deal with the reality of it in a positive way. Both are situations where increasing your knowledge and wisdom is the solution. The key to doing so is approaching life pro-actively, with an active and contemplative mind capable of exploring meanings and assessing values.
Finally, some of the hardest fears to face are those about reality itself—fear of the truth.
For example, how do you deal with the hard truth that some people are psychopaths? That some point are child predators, commit crimes, or generally seek to cause pain and suffering in the world? These are serious questions that almost everyone on earth has had to contend with. Most don’t know how to answer them. But there is an answer, one that will actually make you feel good and uplifted.
The quest for positive meanings despite life’s challenging situations is the ultimate tool for a positive life.
As a matter of fact, the answer to questions about what kind of universe we live in that could allow so much suffering is a spiritual one. This requires an active philosophic mind, the part of you that has the ability to think about the meaning of something, what it means for you living in the universe.
These questions have an answer.
To the atheist, the answer is “it’s all random and meaningless.” But this answer doesn’t make you feel better, it often creates more fear and more anxiety.
To the dogmatic religionist, the answer is that we’re sinful creatures, that God cast us out of heaven because we’re imperfect. This conceptualization at least creates a link between your identity and a transcendent creator personality (which is vitally important for psychological health reasons, as researchers have demonstrated). But the narrative is still disempowering because it assumes you’re inherently unlovable, e.g. original sin.
One of the better perspectives offered from philosophers, one accepted by René Descartes, is that the universe is a dream in the mind of an infinitely perfect eternal and loving God, of which, we are aspects of that God, living as creatures within the creation. A logical consequence to this concept of the universe is that you, you’re life, your experience is all for growth, to encourage you to develop your spiritual potential because you were created for a special purpose. Think about how that perspective has the power to transform seemingly negative things into positive insights and mysteries.
The point of this exercises isn’t to arrive at some prepackaged belief system, although certainly many people take that route. The point is to develop an explanation about reality that adequately addresses your fears and unanswered questions about the nature of existence and your relationship to it. The point is to satisfy your personal existential angst, with you as the author of the belief system that meets your needs.
Initially, this belief system might just be a carbon copy of one already out there. This is perfectly fine and a valid step in your process of growth. But eventually, new fears and existential questions arise, and this is where you get to become an active player in the personal belief system you create to explain your life.
You are the only one who can do this. If you don’t make your belief system truly yours, part of you will know it, causing doubts that lead to more fear. Hence, an active meaning-seeking and mystery-solving mind is the key.
The product of facing your fears is knowledge, wisdom, and beliefs. An experience without an explanation is fertile ground for fear. Conversely, all experiences, properly contemplated, explored, and distilled for meaningful explanations, can never produce fear or existential anxiety.
Ultimately, you are your own savior, your own superhero.
Your life is filled with opportunities to face your fears, and no one else can do this for you. The sooner you begin this work, the sooner you liberate yourself from fearful emotions, transforming them into growth opportunities that will lead to a fulfilling and happy life.
– Justin
by
When we think of fear, we don’t exactly picture positive things, and we don’t exactly welcome it. After all, the purpose of fear is to scare us, isn’t it? This way we can spring into action, and escape. This way we can run or avoid the awful, anxiety-provoking situation or person or place or thing.
In other words, fear is a threat. Fear is a saber-toothed tiger or a snarling dog. Fear is a dark alley. Fear is a confrontation. Fear is rejection. Fear is public speaking and final exams. Fear is loneliness.
Fear is unpleasant at best—and dangerous at worst.
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Many of us even see fear as an enemy, because it arises at inconvenient times (like during a presentation!), because it paralyzes us, and because it makes us feel helpless, weak, and out of control.
And yet, fear also can lead us toward a fulfilling life, toward more satisfying days—if we’re willing to listen.
In early 2005, Carla Marie Manly found herself whispering, “I’d rather live under a bridge than live this life.” She’d spent years pursuing the “right” career, living with the “right” husband, and being the “right” daughter.
But all of those yearnings for the right things only led to living a “hollow, unfulfilling life.” Which, she realized, was the result of a profound fear of not being lovable or good or perfect.
“I came to understand that fear certainly has its destructive side—the side that keeps us stuck and immobilized. I came to see, too, that if we take the time to slow down to listen to fear’s other voice—constructive fear—that we have found a dear, trustworthy friend in fear,” Manly said.
Constructive fear, which Manly also refers to as transformational fear, is the softer, smarter side of fear. It’s the side that inspired Manly to go back to school and become a clinical psychologist.
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Today, Manly, Ph.D, has her own private practice in Sonoma County, Calif., where she specializes in treating anxiety, depression, and relationship issues. She’s also written a book aptly called Joy from Fear: Create the Life of Your Dreams by Making Fear Your Friend.
When we listen to the voice of constructive or transformational fear, it “will guide us away from the limiting chains of destructive fear and into the freedom of self-awareness and true inner joy,” Manly said.
For example, she noted, for a person in a toxic relationship, constructive fear might say: “You deserve to be in a love relationship where you feel honored, treasured, and deeply loved.” For a person who’s stuck in a dead-end job, constructive fear might say: “You want more than this. Let’s discover what it is. Let’s begin to expand our vision to discover a career that brings you joy. Yes, change is scary, but you can do this. You can go back to school if you desire; you can do whatever is needed.”
Listening to Constructive Fear
To listen to your own constructive, transformational fear, Manly suggested taking these specific steps:
- Notice when negative or bullying thoughts arise.
- Pause, and say directly: “I hear destructive fear’s negativity. Constructive fear, what wisdom, what positive guidance, do you have for me?”
- Listen for an optimistic, uplifting inner voice. “At first it may seem very fragile because you are not familiar with it, but it will grow steadier and stronger with time.”
- Jot down what constructive fear has to say, along with anything else that arises.
- Identify achievable, micro-goals to support the changes constructive fear suggests you make. “This is an important step, for when we put our goals and dreams down on paper, constructive fear gains more power.”
- Take small actions to slowly achieve your goals.
To illustrate what this really looks like, Manly shared this example: You’re terrified of talking to your partner about trust issues. Destructive fear tells you: “Stay quiet! You don’t like confrontation.”
When you ask constructive fear about what wisdom and guidance it has to share, it says: “You deserve to be able to talk openly about how you feel. You’ll feel so much better getting your feelings and thoughts out.” When you take out your journal, you write about how scary it was for you to get shut down when you were a child, and how much better you would’ve felt being open and honest, while receiving unconditional love. Maybe you even visualize yourself talking to your partner.
Your micro-goals might be scheduling several sessions with a therapist to sharpen your communication skills, reading a self-help book on communication, and working on personal boundaries. Your small, actionable steps might include: making an appointment with a therapist, attending a support group, buying and reading a self-help book, and eventually making a date with your partner to talk.
Letting Go of Judgment
Manly also noted that we’re more likely to befriend fear and recognize constructive fear when we stop being so judgmental. She suggested starting by noticing when you’re being critical and judgmental. In a neutral, detached way, say “Oh, I’m being critical.”
Next, imagine the critical thought floating away in a dark balloon. Imagine a kind, friendly thought coming in, which is the voice of constructive fear. Then, imagine placing that thought in a clear balloon that you can hold—a constructive, uplifting message that becomes a new image for your psyche to embrace.
Visualizing a Dear Friend
Another strategy is to imagine constructive fear as a treasured friend, Manly said. “It can be a human friend, a superhero, or a cherished icon.” Either way, whatever image you choose, Manly noted that you can learn to walk alongside your fear.
“As you learn to consult with your best friend, constructive fear, you come to find greater freedom from the darkness of destructive fear. And, as a wonderful bonus, you come to realize that this amazing friend—constructive fear—has been waiting patiently for you—and will never leave your side.”
Manly wants readers to know that you’re “not broken, defective, or doomed,” which are all descriptors she regularly hears from her new clients.
Every person “has the power to create change.” Every person “has the power to make fear into a dear friend.” Every person “has the power—and the right—to live a life that is free of destructive fear.”
And every person can do exactly that: You can tune into the voice of constructive fear—the soft, self-compassionate voice that has your best interests at heart—and you can take small, even tiny, steps to act on your significant goals. And you can start right now.
Stillness in the Storm Editor: Why did we post this?
Psychology is the study of the nature of mind. Philosophy is the use of that mind in life. Both are critically important to gain an understanding of as they are aspects of the self. All you do and experience will pass through these gateways of being. The preceding information provides an overview of this self-knowledge, offering points to consider that people often don’t take the time to contemplate. With the choice to gain self-awareness, one can begin to see how their being works. With the wisdom of self-awareness, one has the tools to master their being and life in general, bringing order to chaos through navigating the challenges with the capacity for right action.
– Justin
Not sure how to make sense of this? Want to learn how to discern like a pro? Read this essential guide to discernment, analysis of claims, and understanding the truth in a world of deception: 4 Key Steps of Discernment – Advanced Truth-Seeking Tools.
Stillness in the Storm Editor’s note: Did you find a spelling error or grammar mistake? Send an email to [email protected], with the error and suggested correction, along with the headline and url. Do you think this article needs an update? Or do you just have some feedback? Send us an email at [email protected]. Thank you for reading.
Source:
https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-befriend-your-fear-to-live-a-fulfilling-life/
another simplistic misrepresentation of atheist positions about reality and meaning. It’s a little disappointing.